“Often, seeing the root causes of a habit—why it exists and what it is designed to do—is enough to allow you to break out of the pattern. In other cases, with more entrenched habits, knowing how and why they operate as defenses can be a first step to eventually being able to release them” (Beatrice Chestnut).
Two of the many gifts the Enneagram gives are a flashlight and a map. First, the Enneagram turns the light on our habits that heretofore lay hidden and undetected. These patterns consist of deep grooves of beliefs, feelings and behaviors that shape our life.
Second, the Enneagram provides us a map of pathways to undo their habitual power over us.
There is an important transitional step, however, between seeing and taking action. Once we gain awareness of our patterns the next step is to explore why those patterns are there. As Chestnut says, we need to practice self-inquiry and self-reflection.
In other words, get curious.
· Why do I have these patterns and habits, and not others?
· Where do they come from?
· What are their functions?
· What do I think I’m going to accomplish by operating with them?
· What are their payoffs? (We only keep returning to set approaches and responses because there is some form of payoff.)
There is a logic to our patterns, no matter how dysfunctional they may be. There are reasons that we’ve adopted those patterns. And there are goals we hope to accomplish by utilizing them.
The question becomes threefold:
· Where did these patterns come from, and why are they there?
· Are they working? What is their impact?
· What preferred outcomes do I want? What are other options if my patterns are self- defeating and self-limiting?
Again, the Enneagram provides a flashlight and map to help answer these questions. Each Enneagram Type holds a unique construct of patterns, habits, motives and goals.
Here’s an example from my life.
I have a life-long orientation of “go-along-to-get-along.” It’s a natural outgrowth of my discomfort and fear of conflict. To avoid it, I go along with others, defer to their wishes, and merge with their agenda.
This approach works in many ways. Life is relatively peaceful. I don’t create a lot of drama. I don’t throw a fit when others get their way. People generally like me.
But there are times when my strategy doesn’t work. I sometimes find myself saying “yes” to things I really don’t want. I’ve allowed others to take advantage of me, costing me time, energy, peace of mind and money. On several occasions, I’ve avoided hard conversations with those I love.
When I was introduced to the Enneagram, I discovered Type 9—the “peacemaker, mediator and avoider.” The flashlight turned on. My eyes opened to this epic pattern of Enneagram Nine.
Awareness!
The clarity was comforting and liberating. What had been hidden in the shadows was now brought to light.
But it was also painful. I could not unsee what I now saw.
The toothpaste was out of the tube, and it wasn’t going back.
What to do with this awareness?
I began seeking insight as to why I had adopted the coping strategy of go-along-to-get-along. Where did it come from? What is its function?
Curiosity!
As I reflected on my life, I recognized its emergence as a preschooler. By the time I was 4-years-old, I’d been hospitalized numerous times and had my first major ear surgery. My health was so tenuous that doctors told my parents there was a good chance I wouldn’t live beyond kindergarten.
Even at that age I was aware my chronic sickness was an inconvenience to my family. Fear and anxiety permeated our home. My illnesses consumed my parents’ time and attention away my older siblings. Routines were frequently interrupted. Sometimes there was conflict.
I concluded it made life easier for others if I if I kept as quiet as possible about my needs. Asking for what I wanted and expressing my opinions risked stirring conflict and creating inconvenience. As I got older, I learned that numbing my anger made life feel more peaceful.
No wonder I landed on the strategy of going along to get along.
Comments